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If Tech Companies Had Celebrity Alter Egos

Posted on 1.30.2014

By Jeremy Rappaport, Fueled

Like celebrities, tech companies can be in one day and out the next or mess up royally for all the world to see. The editors at Fueled have paired technology companies with their celebrity alter egos.

McAfee = Roman Polanski

Who hasn’t been on the run from the law? Sometimes, you just need an escape from your murder charge, or underage rape allegations. That’s why both McAfee and Polanski found it necessary to flee the U.S. in search of asylum in other countries. An interview several months ago found the antivirus software founder in Belize, sweating profusely and talking a mile a minute about his innocence. He passionately denied murdering a neighbor in his tropical community, while pulling the ol’ “We need to bring the real killer to justice” card.

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Polanski, on the other hand, admitted to his wrongdoing and plead guilty, but still escaped to France to avoid trial. He apologized to his victim more than 30 years later, but facing justice would probably be a better way of saying “sorry.”

John McAfee made a great product, and Roman Polanski made some great films (we’ve heard), but they each managed to ruin their reputations with one little felony.

Virgin Mobile = Russell Brand

Russell Brand, much like Richard Branson, is a mysterious ol’ chap with a personal life full of rumors. Is he dating a model? Is he on drugs? We can’t be completely certain. Is Richard Branson kitesurfing with a model? Is he on drugs? We’re pretty sure the answer is yes to both questions. Aside from sharing ridiculously pretentious hairstyles (honestly, who told them these were good looks?), there is just something about these guys that makes you want to punch them in the face. Anyone who has seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, or Get Him to the Greek, can attest to the level of self-fulfillment that Brand experiences when he steals your girlfriend. And Branson, with his space exploration...Why can’t he just sell some CDs, T-shirts and phones, and call it a day?

Wow, I really need to accomplish more stuff.

Makerbot = Soulja Boy

3-D printers are the future. Or a fad, we don’t know. We do know that they make some pretty cool stuff really fast and easily. They’re also great for those of us with computers, but no carpentry skills. Unfortunately, Makerbot objects are usually plastic, which limits the quality and applications of the finished product. 

Soulja Boy’s famous song, “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” was a bit of a hit with the kids, and took him from YouTube views to a professional rap career. You wouldn’t expect that from something that was literally produced in less than five minutes using pre-made patterns in a program called Fruity Loops. It’s great that we have the technology to make things in such little time, but is it worth the cost in talent?

Twitter = George Takei

George Takei is the chicken to Twitter’s egg. He posts on Twitter, but may also be synonymous with the social network itself. Takei’s online persona shares with us pretty much anything that has ever graced his laptop screen. Funny picture of a koala? Sure, why not. Petition for one of his pet causes? Hell yes. Some bumper sticker he saw in Los Olivos that was kind of amusing? Too late, it’s already posted.

One might be in awe of the number of followers Takei has acquired, after remaining in obscurity for so long, simply by spreading his fleeting thoughts around the globe. Then again, who would have expected the public to latch onto writing messages less than 140 characters long?

Vine = Chris Rock

Vine is still so new, that people haven’t yet really figured out how to make money off of it. So far, there are a lot of quick videos of people dancing, dunking basketballs in the family pool, or messing with their grandparents. It’s all well and good, but one trend that seems to be dominating this product is racial humor. I wonder what that has to do with Chris Rock…

Both Chris Rock and Vine have a knack for pointing out stereotypical differences between white people and black people, men and women, rich people and poor people. It’s all meant in good fun, and most people seem to enjoy it. In fact, Vine might have given the comedian a run for his money. Instead of dealing with long set-ups and commercialized catchphrases, Vine users get straight to the point of how black mothers are different from white mothers, or how we all react to magic differently--all within six seconds.

Spotify = Joan Rivers

Okay, WTF?  What could this sassy fashion guru have to do with a music streaming app? Well, one feature of Spotify is the ability to listen to other playlists. This includes the music that your friends and, yes, celebrities are listening to. Followers and social climbers might see the function as a neat tool to help them join the “in” crowd. As Joan Rivers would say, “Who are you hearing?”

More importantly, who cares?

Written by Jeremy Rappaport and the editors at Fueled. We develop iPhone and Android apps.

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